Prerag

Wake at dawn to see the light creep in
Only to see it hide behind clouds again.
Never the one to hear it first;
Not a drop of water to quench the thirst.
Beneath her feet, the ground will move;
Beside herself, the walls do shake;
Nothing to see, nothing left to prove;
No heart within, nothing left to break.
In silence does she watch the world go by:
A silent spectator from the skies.
Nothing she could do to stop the fights,
Nothing but a few words left to write.
A life of regrets and ought-to-have-been's,
Like a wall-flower: unnoticed, un-admired and unseen!

You ask me to tell you why
I am underwhelmed tonight,
Since when do you care for
The battles I had to fight?
You were not there when I wanted to tell you
My life was turning shallow
You were not there when I needed the most
I have lost myself in the shadow
Of a dream I wanted to see come true.

I asked you not to carry me across
Nor keep me afloat
I asked you for a shoulder to lean on
While I built my boat
To paddle away from the tears that crashed
While you were looking away:
You had ceased to care
You had turned your back,
You called me "clingy" among other names
And cut me off
Not knowing that I was hanging by that moment
By that line, by you.
And then I fell into great depths,
Plunged into the darkest blue
Only to emerge with a new born life
Sounds too good to be true?

I paddled my way across with my bare hands
Battled the currents, to the ground
I wondered what the world would see
When they saw what came around:
For I am not what I used to be
I have been wounded, hardened by the sea
Of thoughts and fleeting moments
I never knew I would feel,
And today I stand before you:
Among the clouds, for all the world to see
I have miles to go to reach that place
That person I wanted to be

And still you ask me while I smile
I am underwhelmed tonight
I know what will come and go
I know how to fight.
I know that this moment too shall flee
Like many and many before
And in time, friend, you too shall see
The best is yet to come!

I remember how it felt
A tinge in my spine
A pause in my heart beat
I remember what you did
To my paper heart
With your porcelain smile
I lost all of myself
In your bright blue eyes
I wished I were wise
I watched in horror:
The blue sky turned red
And your heart turned grey
Cold as the wind that cuts my words
Cruel as the silence you put me through
And all I wanted once more
Was a glimpse of your porcelain smile
I don't see it anymore
I don't know if I breathe
What did I do to myself?
What have I done to you?
I'd do the right things
I say the right words
I would take my tears and yours
And drown our fears
Only if you promise
That I would see your porcelain smile
Again.

"...What we do for others is quite extraordinary as compared with the little we do for ourselves.

There are those that are so close to our hearts and have been so vital to our developments as a person, that it is quite impossible to tell who is who if not for the physical distinction, and when they do leave us, and suddenly so, it creates a void in our minds for what we have known to exist, to be real and what we have felt so deeply has vanished. Sometimes, the only way to cope with the loss of a close companion is to believe that they are quite real and quite beside us. It is an exquisite sense of security that entraps the mind when we believe that we have some one who would care for us even if we were not by their sides, and long after our mortal bodies have withered away, and in that security is a selfish pleasure, known to very few though experienced by one and all. The mystic nature of the mind is not something that can be brought down or drawn along the lines of a chart as exactly as those of the other sciences, for science requires rationale and the human mind is the most irrational, subjective and sensitive thing ever created. Yes, a queer thing indeed and it has fascinated humankind for centuries and it gives me great pleasure and constant fodder for my curiosity about the "device" to be in the noble field as to study about one of the strangest and most valuable possessions of man - The Human Mind. Thank you, ladies and gentleman"

And with that Harry stepped down from the podium. He had felt incredibly proud, though some of his dearer friends could not make it. He had been appointed as the chief of Psychology at the St. Andrea's Hospital and at thirty five it was quite an achievement to be appointed as a chief doctor in his field in one of the premier hospitals in the country. He looked too young to be thirty-five, you would not guess beyond a twenty something if you looked at him. He had a boyish look in his queer green little eyes, his red hair, and freckles would even make you think he was no more than a Grad. School student, and yet, here he was, the Chief Doctor. His heart filled with a sense of achievement that almost bewildered him.

"Dr. Chapman… That was an absolutely wonderful speech" a voice called out. He turned around and what he saw made his lips curl into a boyish grin.
"I was afraid you weren't going to make it" he grinned, as he hugged the person who had made him grin so. It was his childhood friend Helen Grindall. She had grown over the years, through her simple ways and approach to life to become an executive assistant at a law firm in which worked another friend of his. At the thought of her, he looked about around her in search of another familiar face.
"I wouldn't have come, but this was important. Is there somewhere we can talk about it?" asked simple Helen, whose whole face had strained with the depth of the question. Something was troubling her, an estranged boyfriend perhaps, Harry thought.
"Yes, of course" he said as he led her to the hallway and to the dinner tables. He told the maid to keep the other guests from the table. As they sat, he watched as Helen nervously held her fingers crossed. She was not a plump woman, in-fact, she was merely more than skin and bones, and yet her cheeks which were now pale, were usually pink. She had cut her hair short, he noticed, but she kept looking down at the floor, her eyes watered as she slowly began to speak.
"It's about Sarah", she started. Sarah was a lawyer at the firm which Helen worked for. She was a childhood friend of his too, more of a close confidante. The three of them had done everything together, until Sarah met David. David was nothing of the kind of boys that Sarah had dated previously. He was in the Army and she was, that is to say, not the least interested in such upright men. However, David changed her and she was head over heels in love with him. They never seemed to be apart, at-least until he left on duty, and God forbid, the war took him to places that he would not return home ever after.  It had only been a month since the news of David's death reached their ears. Sarah was devastated. She would not talk to anyone for quite a few days, but after a week or so, she seemed like her old self. The rebound of her calm was almost too quick to be true.
"Well… What happened to her?" asked Harry suddenly realizing the fleeting moments that had passed between the two old friends.
"She thinks she's living with David" replied Helen without missing a beat. She had not looked at him since she came here.
"What?" asked Harry, "What kind of a game are you pulling? Wait…. This is not your style, it's Sarah's. That witch!!! She has a twisted sense of humor, but involving David's name… This really is the last straw… Where is she?" He frantically looked around refusing to believe what he had heard knowing the prankster that he knew Sarah to be.
"She isn't here Harry" replied Helen quietly. She had not moved. She was quite serious. She looked at him in the eye, tears welling up, "She really isn't here" she repeated.
He sank back into his chair and quietly thought.
"I must see her" he said finally rising up.
"Yes you must" repeated Helen. He really couldn't blame Helen. That night was his felicitation. It was also the night that he realised that the people he had grown to know so well, well maybe he knew nothing about him at all. It was his first day back in his hometown and his friend needed him. He would not waste a second.
"Well, what are you waiting for then?" He asked grabbing his coat and giving instructions to his nurses and the waiter.
She smiled, got up with a start. As she grabbed her coat, she looked at him and said, "It's good to see you again Harry"
He too looked at her and said "It's good to see you too Helen"

Harry could not believe this, Sarah? Really? She must've arranged for a party or something at her place. A smile spread across his placid face. He looked at Helen driving her car, next to him. She looked a bit flustered, but quite the same as she was in high-school: what a great actress she had become to pull this on him without laughing. The smile grew bigger. She could not wait to meet Sarah and that big smile that she always wore. She was always the pretty girl. Always. Just as she was, when she opened the door now.

By the time, Harry had his trip down memory lane, Helen had driven them on to Sarah's drive-way.

Sarah looked quite the same. She smiled at him. The smile had shrunk, Harry noticed. She looked at Helen with a look he could quite not explain.  Words which escaped Sarah's mouth shot through Harry's thoughts like a silver bullet.

"How dare you bring him? Does he know? How much? I knew I shouldn't have told you." By now, Sarah had grabbed Helen's shoulders. "Oh God" She sighed, as she walked up and down the porch. And now, she did something strange: she responded to a call from inside… Only there was no call. She left them on the porch, excused herself and went inside.

"Quite strange…" "... My God…" "Is she on drugs?" These words seem to have found their way out of Harry's mind. "Not that I know of…" Helen replied, "none except for her cold, but those are prescribed…"

Sarah opened the door before Helen could finish, gave a forced smile and let them in.

After they'd sat on the couch, Sarah stood before them. "Sorry I had to do that guys, I just couldn't be sure, you know? I mean…  It's hard protecting Dave this way… " She broke of, "How are you Harry?"

"Good, can I see your prescription pills?" replied Harry automatically.

"My what?" asked quite an angry Sarah. This girl was new to Harry, definitely not the girl he had grown up with.

"I am a doctor, you know?" said Harry in an offended tone.

"Oh yes, sorry, I forgot." replied Sarah sheepishly. She brought her pills, and as she handed them over, he noticed that her hands shook.

He looked at the ingredients. A wave of nausea crept across his face, and by then Sarah had walked up to the stairs, she was looking up and talking. He could not tell for sure whether there was another guy in the house. He had seen a pair of guys' sandals near the door, unused.

"Are you sure?" Sarah was asking, as Harry's consciousness swept back. She was still looking up the stairs.

"Guys, Dave thinks it's ok for you to see him. Isn't that great? That does feel a bit relieving, to have some one to talk to about him. He'll be down in a bit" She spoke fast… almost stutteringly fast…"He was posted in Iraq you know and he couldn't be away from me and he escaped from the frontline, when they were given an order to shoot-at-sight and he came home to me. As he couldn't be found, the army termed him dead. He's looking to get a new identity so he doesn't have to keep it a secret. I mean, imagine seeing your dead friend walk up to you… Creepy right… I freaked at first too…"

"Sarah?" Harry stopped him. "Where's Dave?"

Helen looked at Harry and her jaw dropped.  She saw a conviction in Harry's face and that scared her.

Sarah ran to the stairs... Had her little conversation…  And came back angered.

"He says he doesn't feel safe. You're being too inquisitive Harry. Who sent you, Harry? The Army? The FBI? Are they spying on me?" She was searching for something to hold, to use as a weapon.

"Why are you angry Sarah? You just told me that Dave was ok with meeting us… That he felt safe with us… He's our friend too, you know?" retorted Harry calmly, not moving an inch. Sarah faltered, hit her head, walked about asking herself "I did? I did?" She turned to them now. "No I didn't. You're trying to pull some mind game Harry. You were always good at that. Always. "

"Did Dave tell you that? You just couldn't remember that I was a doctor." said a still, calm Harry. He could see Helen praying at his side.

"You're my friend Harry. But Dave's everything to me. I'll do anything for him. Anything. I'll let you go. Leave now. Don't make me do something I regret." cried Sarah. She broke down, right there, not of sorrow. She did not look weakened but tired and angry.

"Come on Helen" said Harry and she followed him.

Harry kicked the air once they were out on the drive-way. "Whoa that was harsh… She's worse than I thought" he told his friend. She pointed to the window and there was a silhouette of Sarah hugging the air.

"Now what?" asked Helen. She was deeply hurt. He could hear it in her voice. "You go get some sleep. I'm getting her some medical help." said Harry. "Medical?" asked a worried Helen. "Yeah. I'm going to have to do some research on her family's medical history though. Long night Helen." He hugged her and parted without another word. His friend needed him. Nothing was going to stop that.

Her grandmother had complained of hallucinations when they were young and went camping. Then, they used to make fun of her. They thought it was the old age. Now he knows better.

The next day Sarah was "captured "and put in solitary confinement.  It was quite painful for her friends to witness. One chair, high window, padded walls and complete silence were all she had for company. She writhed and screamed through the first week. It broke Harry's heart to see it. He would not handle the case, for fear that Sarah may not co-operate. Her screams shrunk through the second week. She was making progress. Helen was angry at Harry for torturing Sarah, but he'd explained that Sarah was sick and that she needed this. She would not believe him first. But now, she could see she was getting better.

Sarah had initially been assigned for a year, but she was sent out in 6 months for good behavior.

Harry had left the city for a conference. He was sleeping in his room before a call would wake him. It was Helen. He drove home immediately.

They were up on Sarah's drive-way. Helen whispered to him…"She was released today. I dropped her off…" She made him creep up to the window where they could hear Sarah's voice. "They think 6 months away could keep us apart Dave… Yes they really do… You know what else? They will not believe that you're alive…" and they heard it over and over again.

Maybe some things never die...  Maybe some things are meant to stay in our hearts… Forever...

Could you paint me a picture
That in invisible colours glow?
Could you take me with you
To the other side of the rainbow?
Could you drive me to the end
Of nowhere in Neverland
And stay there by me for all of time?
Could you sing me a song
That only I can hear?
Could you tell me a tale
Of what kept you so near?
Could you write me a book
Where we would smile standing at
The empty spaces between the words?
For where one word ends and another begins,
Two worlds collide and start within
And smiles of sorrow and sadder grins
End tonight and start again.
Above the clouds and stars beside
Two nervous hearts flutter by
Show me the arms I can fall into
All I'll never need is you.
And All that matters is how
We leave behind our old worlds
Stay with me, here and now
In the empty spaces between the words.